I know you don't think much of me anymore, but I just wanted to say-- mm.
[She hesitates; clears her throat.]
I had a speech in my head, and it sounded good - but I didn't write it down, and I forgot it as soon as I started talking. You ever have that happen? Thinking something's easier than saying it. Mostly it was about how even though you weren't right about everything you said about me, you were right about some of it, and I been thinking about that a lot and trying to grow from it. It was also about how I think you're one of the smartest people here, and you make people talk and think, and that's something we need to do. You're a challenger. That's good, and I think the people who don't think it's good are the people who should be challenged the most. I'm one of 'em sometimes, I know. And I-- you know, I miss you. If you can't talk to me anymore 'cause I'm a warden, I will respect that, but I guess I'm kinda hoping we can talk 'cause we're friends, too. Or used to be.
I care about you, anyway.
That's all.
[She is, in all honesty, at least halfway assuming that this will go ignored. If it does, she won't try again; she can't make herself be a needler. But she wants to make one last attempt.]
Jesus Christ, Tiffany, if it was because you were a warden I'd have stopped talking to you when you became one. We fought months after that, about the fact that you're totally delusional.
No, Ricki, I'm not. You got the wrong idea about why I'm here, okay? And maybe that's my fault too, 'cause I act happier with the Barge than I really am sometimes. But I know what a big deal it is, and I'm not just here to have fun. That's the part you were wrong about.
I'm not gonna lie to you, and I don't think you'd want me to. Me leaving ain't gonna make this place better. It's still gonna be out here, being awful. If all the wardens went on strike and left, the Admiral'd bring more in to replace us.
But I will never, ever tell you that the Barge ain't that bad, or that you should be okay with being stuck here.
Then you're helping him hurt people. That's all there is to it. I have less respect for you, for that. The moral thing to do would be to let him try to find someone else to do the job. You work for him, it means you support his actions- by your deeds, if not by your words. Saying otherwise is just talking out of both sides of your mouth.
I don't agree, Ricki, and I ain't gonna pretend I do. And I got a lot of questions and a lot of things I wanna say, but I--
-- I don't agree, but I don't not agree either. And I would rather stop talking to you right now, or stop talking to you forever if you want me to, than keep talking and making things worse for you.
Look, I'm trying. I really am. I didn't want to get angry with you again, but I'm not- just feeling rhetorical about this. It really fucking hurts how onboard you sound for this. This place is destroying me, and I don't know how to be friends with someone who's planning to stay forever. It's like- having your skin ripped off in strips. It's awful. And then here you are, believing all this, and what am I supposed to do with that?
It's been a long time since it was the Barge I loved. It's the people, for me. And I don't know if I wanna stay forever anymore if we really can't make it better than it is. But... I don't know if I wanna give up on trying and and leave someday, either, 'cause it's like I said; I'd still know it was there, being awful for you and people like you. And even if I did decide I wanna leave someday, I got stuff to do first.
Don't think about it in front of me. To me. It's all I can do most days not to throw myself off the damn deck just on the hope. I don't want to be the one to help you through that thinking, I don't want to hear about family, or whether it's the boat or the admiral, or any of it.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
[audio]
I know you don't think much of me anymore, but I just wanted to say-- mm.
[She hesitates; clears her throat.]
I had a speech in my head, and it sounded good - but I didn't write it down, and I forgot it as soon as I started talking. You ever have that happen? Thinking something's easier than saying it. Mostly it was about how even though you weren't right about everything you said about me, you were right about some of it, and I been thinking about that a lot and trying to grow from it. It was also about how I think you're one of the smartest people here, and you make people talk and think, and that's something we need to do. You're a challenger. That's good, and I think the people who don't think it's good are the people who should be challenged the most. I'm one of 'em sometimes, I know. And I-- you know, I miss you. If you can't talk to me anymore 'cause I'm a warden, I will respect that, but I guess I'm kinda hoping we can talk 'cause we're friends, too. Or used to be.
I care about you, anyway.
That's all.
[She is, in all honesty, at least halfway assuming that this will go ignored. If it does, she won't try again; she can't make herself be a needler. But she wants to make one last attempt.]
[audio]
[Nope, not calm yet.]
[audio]
[audio]
[audio]
I'm not gonna lie to you, and I don't think you'd want me to. Me leaving ain't gonna make this place better. It's still gonna be out here, being awful. If all the wardens went on strike and left, the Admiral'd bring more in to replace us.
But I will never, ever tell you that the Barge ain't that bad, or that you should be okay with being stuck here.
[audio]
[audio]
I don't agree, Ricki, and I ain't gonna pretend I do. And I got a lot of questions and a lot of things I wanna say, but I--
-- I don't agree, but I don't not agree either. And I would rather stop talking to you right now, or stop talking to you forever if you want me to, than keep talking and making things worse for you.
[audio]
[audio]
I have to think more, Ricki. I know I do.
[audio][cw suicide]
[audio][cw suicide]
[audio]
[audio]
[audio]
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