Look, I'm trying. I really am. I didn't want to get angry with you again, but I'm not- just feeling rhetorical about this. It really fucking hurts how onboard you sound for this. This place is destroying me, and I don't know how to be friends with someone who's planning to stay forever. It's like- having your skin ripped off in strips. It's awful. And then here you are, believing all this, and what am I supposed to do with that?
It's been a long time since it was the Barge I loved. It's the people, for me. And I don't know if I wanna stay forever anymore if we really can't make it better than it is. But... I don't know if I wanna give up on trying and and leave someday, either, 'cause it's like I said; I'd still know it was there, being awful for you and people like you. And even if I did decide I wanna leave someday, I got stuff to do first.
Don't think about it in front of me. To me. It's all I can do most days not to throw myself off the damn deck just on the hope. I don't want to be the one to help you through that thinking, I don't want to hear about family, or whether it's the boat or the admiral, or any of it.
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I have to think more, Ricki. I know I do.
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